Bay is Back, and No Different At All

Film: Transformer: Dark of the Moon
Cast: Peter Cullen, Shia Lebeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Frances McDormand, Leonard Nimoy, John Malkovich,
Director: Michael Bay

"And now, " screamed the announcer, "to perform exclusively for you, here is the Limca Book of Records holder, Robot Ganesh." And to the bafflement of a movie audience, a topless man completely covered in silver paint walked in front of the screen. He then proceeded to 'perform'. His act was a medley of robot-like steps to a soundtrack that was a collection of electronic noises. When it ended, my feelings were:

1. It was audacious. To expect people to come and see a guy enacting clichéd robot-like steps and nothing more takes balls.
2. It was too long. Cut by half it would have been interesting, at least
3. There was no structure, just an assortment of steps without any purpose.
4. The guy was in perfect physical shape. His muscles were rippled without seeming on steroids.
5. Other than the robot connection, I could see no reason for the show to exist before a movie.

The four letters F-R-E-E in that order are intoxicating. So much so, that I, of all people, went for a 3D screening of Transformers: Dark of the Moon (or TF3, as I prefer to call it), because I got free tickets!

TF3 begins with a digitally created JFK, an impersonation of Obama and a very real presence of Buzz Aldrin. If that didn't get you, here comes the 'plot'. It seems the space race was actually something else. (The conspiracy theorists were right, after all!) Aliens had crashed on the moon and we had to find what they were up to. Then follows the antics of Sentinal Prime (Nimoy), the Einstein of the Autobots (who are giant robots), Optimus Prime (Cullen) and his ragtag bunch (also giant robots) and villanous Megatron (Hugo Weaving). You guessed it right, also a giant robot!

In the middle is Sam Witwicky (LeBeouf), a born loser who continues to get into more trouble than he can handle, and gets lucky with more hot females than we can fathom, illusion of cinema notwithstanding. He manages to save the world for the third time, despite screwing up with his new flame Carly (Huntington), being screwed around by new boss Bruce (Malkovich) and getting his screws torn apart by a Secret Agent superboss Mearing (McDormand). Yes, this is that kind of movie.

Director Michael Bay is consistent. He doesn't care about clarity, restraint or silence. He goes all out to give his audience what he believes to be the best bang for their buck. And as his record show, a lot of earthlings agree with him. He goes the same route with TF3. With a lot of help from his screenwriters, he delivers a vaguely half-decent movie. I am actually praising Bay here!

I have always believed the lack of story and surplus of noise deprived the Transformers series of a genuine plus - its visual effects. For a movie that is almost completely effect-oriented, you never get a feeling of falseness looking at the screen. And the 3D here, actually works in the traditional, crowd-pleasing sense. There are lots of objects hurtling towards you. If only the glasses were more comfortable.

Of all the new additions in this adventure, Frances McDormand has the meatiest role, and she delightfully hams away. Malcovich, well, I’d like to see his cheque. You can deny Megan Fox the last ounce of her acting talent, but you have to admit she has that 'it' factor. She'd stand apart even with giant robots. Rosie Huntington-Whitely may fill in her Victoria's Secrets, but her entire performance can be summed up in the context of a single shot. Things are blowing up and shrapnel is flying around in super slow motion. In the middle stands Rosie with a face devoid of all expression, staring through us into the distance. Deep down, I suspect Michael Bay is on Team Megan.

TF3, however famous its brand name is, cannot succeed as a populist movie unless it had at least one old-fashioned, larger-than-life hero. Thankfully, it has one. And that is Shia LeBeouf. Haha! Got you there, didn't I? The real hero is the gigantic Optimus Prime. The clear, soothing baritone of Peter Cullen has a lot of admirers, including she with whom I share a bed. Once again he brings a sense of gravity, a calm amidst the chaos, the only goosebump moments. They should have chucked Shia and stuck with Optimus.

Finally, when the credits rolled and I was standing in an ungodly queue to return my glasses, my thoughts were:

1. The franchise is audacious. It still believes it can attract an audience to see giant robots bashing each other. And it will.
2. It was too long.
3. It had no narrative structure. Just a lot of explosions threaded together.
4. The movie looks good on a superficial level. Michael Bay flexes his blockbuster muscles and delivers what is expected of him. Not more.
5. Apart from being a huge money spinner, I still do not see any reason for Transformers to exist as a movie.

Deconstructing Woody

I had no idea who or what Woody Allen was.

My first initiation came during schooldays through that awesome newspaper - Indian Express. One of their Sunday cartoon strips was something called Inside Woody Allen. It was based on this thin, bespectacled, neurotic, diffident, angst-ridden, Jewish mini basketcase. Of course, at that time I didn't know most of those words! But I still was able to grasp some of the not-so-subtle parts of the humour. Inside Woody Allen was not as simple, and hence, as funny as Bringing Up Father But I still preferred it to the supremely unfunny Peanuts.

The years passed by and to my surprise I discovered that Woody Allen was an actual person. The nonexistence of Internet and a healthy lack of too much curiosity made me not investigate further. Later on, in college, I found that he was an actor and a director. Which was a big surprise, as in small-town Kerala where I came from, I was pretty much an expert on Hollywood movies (ah, the arrogance, the impertinence!). And I had never seen any of Woody's movies, nor even heard of them. I promised myself I would watch them and judge them myself. I have made a lot of promises to myself.

Anyway, time passed. The idea of Woody became more important than the movies of Woody. I saw a couple of his films in passing. Nothing more. I am now in a point of my life where I am acutely aware of my mortality. Something Woody has been screaming from the rooftops, it seems! And so, I am embarking on my great project. See all Woody Allen movies. Review them. Share my opinions.

Join me as I go on my journey of Deconstructing Woody. I don't know when and if I will complete it. But I'll be damned if I don't give it a shot!

Play it again, Woody. This time, for only my sake.